Breaking Backs

Break beats like B-Girls and B-Boys
Breakdancing, kicking up the noise
Breaking through again like Andre 3k
Fracturing ankles like NBA Live 2k
Smash brothers we bash brother
Your response is just a stutter
cause I Rupture your time-space
Set us up the bomb on all your base
Breaking backs like the treacherous one
the Venomous one
You still on the starting line
while I'm on the finishing one
Shatter glass I sonic boom clear the room
Horseman with a Severed head foreshadowing your doom
Crack ladies crack babies

....

Not quite done. This was partially inspired by Lbo because he kept repeating "I break backs like Venom." I thought a line like that needed an equally crappy rhyme; Maybe it's the rhyme that's crappy and not the one-liner.

New Shoes

So when are you guys moving into your new place? What is going on with that apartment thing? Are you ever gonna get that condo? You mean you don't know about the condo yet? After many variations and permutations of original questions such as the ones above, we finally have an answer.

We've got the place, please stop asking. Really, stop asking. Don't start asking about the housewarming party; If you don't know the date we set then you are probably not invited. Please save everyone the trouble of having a really uncomfortable conversation just cause you think you are important.

This has been a test of the emergency asshole system. If I were actually an ass I would have meant all of the above. Over the last couple of months L and I have been stressing over the condo and at times felt like being jerks when asked for an update. Didn't seem like it all the time, but the truth is that we appreciate that everyone kept us on their minds.

Soon it will be time to celebrate. We'll let you know when and where as soon as we do the whole moving in thing.

Talk Like A Pirate Day

Arrrgh.

Physical Therapy Day One

This should be called voluntary torture; Can torture ever be voluntary?

So I started physical therapy in earnest today. It was immediately more enjoyable because my doctor did not ask me to "get into something more comfortable" A hospital gown isn't more comfortable than my bball shorts and t-shirt.

"This will be uncomfortable but should not be painful." You never want to hear the person taking care of you start off like this. "I should know what it is. I think it uses electricity but it doesn't shock you." At this point any sane person would have bailed out of the doctor's office or at least request that someone with knowledge of electricity clarify what was to go on next.

My knee got all tingly when the med student placed the pads on and turned on the device. It was something out of Star Trek: a Transcutaneous Electrical Nerve Stimulator. It stimulated the heck out of me for about 15 minutes until my knee was like Frankenstein invigorated by the bolt of lightning harnessed from the storm. (Did I work too hard for that one?)

Then came the sonar and the massaging. I don't care what Lbo says, there is nothing like the able hands of a professional masseuse; doesn't matter if it is a man or a woman. My physical therapist attempted to distract me with massaging and secretly bend my knee. I quickly let him know I was well aware of his tricks. "I know what you are trying to do. You are trying to bend my knee!!!" He stared at me blankly as if to say "Um that's kinda what we are here for." I did not dignify his stare with a response.

The rest of the workout was pretty simple leg lifts and hamstring lifts coupled with great pain and grimacing. This was topped off by cycling at .003 miles per hour as this is all I could do without weeping like a little baby. I am not quite sure how to explain it, but whenever there was a great deal of pain my foot would go into a nervous tap or shake until the pain subsided. Odd.

All in all it went well. I went to the supermarket to get some strawberry cheesecake ice cream as a treat to myself for being such a brave young man but had no luck...

Don't Blame Tony Jaa

In the interest of full disclosure I must confess that I am a huge Tony Jaa fan. His charisma and lack of acceptance of the laws of physics makes for great action. Tony was never told that humans can't walk on walls; so it is no surprise that he succeeds at doing just that. I'm absolutely surprised that he hasn't tried flying yet.

With that out of the way I would ask that you please do not blame Tony Jaa for "The Protector." He obviously did above and beyond all that was asked of him. Unfortunately they asked him for "ridiculous." I believe the direction went like this:

Lame Director: "Tony, do you think you can break his pinky with the back your knee"
Tony: "Sure, anything you say"
Lame Director: "O yeah, you need to repeat this about 100 times for a bunch of dudes all dressed in black"
Tony: "I really prefer using my knees and elbows to do awesome moves. I believe this is truly my strong point"
Lame Director: "I've already cut the movie in such a way to make the story incomprehensible. Now I want to ruin your action scene."
Tony: "I'm totally humble and respectful so I won't hit you with a flying knee or elbow"

The director clearly has it out for Tony Jaa, probably because unlike Tony he doesn't respect people. I really don't know the reason for having hate in his blood but it couldn't have been anything malicious on the part of Tony.





Flying Knee...

Things that happen when time passes

Nigerian super food

You've probably heard lots of lies concerning some excellent Nigerian food(Check out ATBV). It may not be for the faint of heart, or the weak of stomach, but if you give it a chance you will be pleasantly surprised.

What To Do At The Nigerian Restaurant:

Order the mixed meat: it can't possibly taste as bad as it sounds. Meat that is mixed with even more meat is a truly ingenious creation. The combination really brings out the meaty flavor of the meat; I would recommend this for all the vegetarians out there.

Expect your waiter to get back to you when he is off the phone. You wouldn't want to interrupt would you?

Expect that your waiter will embody the philosophy of a hustler.

Take advantage of the time you have with your waiter cause it's mighty precious. He cannot spend all day with you as he has to get back to the hustle.

Order the Goat head.

Order the yam cause it's an essential part of eating with your hands.

Be Nigerian. If not expect your waiter to help you out by bringing out the best Nigerian super food.


First day of work

After two weeks of recovery I went back to work on Monday to do some negotiating. I really needed Samuel L Jackson but I did alright for myself. I tried taking the express bus to work and was quickly reminded that traveling through lower Manhattan on September 11th is a terrible idea.

On any other day the bus would go right up Church street to my job but through bad luck and even worse planning I was kicked off the bus somewhere under the Brooklyn Bridge. I was approximately 10 blocks away from my job at that point.I tried hopping into a yellow cab and was turned away when I told the cabbie where I was headed to.

A rocket pack would have come in really handy for my trip to work as my 10 block hobble took almost an hour and a half to complete. If anyone has a spare rocket pack please let me know.

Telecommute

I start physical therapy tomorrow and started working from home today. I consider it as a duty to the rest of humankind and the earth now that I am no longer part of the morning and afternoon rush. I can serve my community, my job and the world the best laying in bed and responding to the needs of my job. I can assure you that I take no joy in working in my pajamas with my feet up while sipping on a cocktail.

Bionical Man

Out From the Frying pan-Into the Fryer

I was really looking forward to my doctor's visit yesterday. It's been approximately ten days after surgery I was on my way to have my stitches removed and feeling great. I popped into the office and right into the X-ray room for stills of my surgically repaired knee. On a side note, the technician saw no problem with me using my cell phone while in the room. I used my better judgement and got off the phone before I was turned into the Incredible Hulk.


As I lay on the table waiting for the doctor I began to drift away into dreamland; I was crossing over everyone on the court with the quickness. Little did I know what was actually in store for me. Unfortuantely all I am capable of doing now is going to see crossover, greatest basketball movie ever. White Men Can't Jump be damned.

So What did they do to you?

My doctor told me that he actually did the microfracture; He drilled several holes in my knee. He also scooped out the crap, technical term, which was on the right side om my right knee. I was albe to get a copy of the cam shots of my knee but all got was this T-shirt... Actually it was a black and white photopy which does not translate well so these color images aren't actully my knee but some other poor soul.

After our little talk it was time to me fitted formy brace. I expected a soft brace and a welcomed return to the land of flexing my knee. Instead I was introduced to a "cast alternative", megalabrace. This fantastic contraption reaches from my crotch to my ankle and requires the entire area to all move together in the same direction. It is an awe inspiring bionic attachment and at the same time a fushtrating figure four leg lock. (Perhaps that was a not a perfect metaphor but what is these days?)

Finding the Pirate Inside

After a little over a week without much exposure to the "outside" or "sunlight," it seems that my reflexes have been slowed quite a bit. There is the obvious fact that I've been physically slowed by a surgically repair knee; I've learned to do a lot with my mighty cane but I think J$ is now officially faster than me.

On top of the fact that I am now slow, I've now lost the element of surprise. With the "tock" and "clack" of my cane I can be heard from a mile away. My dreams of being a super secret agent have been completely dashed. It is not all doom and gloom, I've found my pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

Massive beard. Check. No running water. Check. Special chest. Check. Peg leg .... Limp and cane. Close enough. That's right folks. I've been surgically reconstructed into a pirate. I don't know why I didn't see this before.


The obvious links between pirates and my current reincarnation are quite obvious-much more so than let's say Iraq and terrorism. O wait... I also forgot one important element of pirate-dom, the hook. Here again my cane shines.


It seems that since I've gone beard everybody is doing it. Phantom and Paul Giamatti are two examples that come to mind right away. None are nearly as awesome but I am proud that they are trying to be like me.

Developing an awesome beard is a lot more than meets the eyes; This is about finding the true you. Underneath the rugged exterior are complex features and tenderness concealed by the mask. Grizzled from the experiences of life it is only right that we take on the features of the stately grizzly. Let us all look inside and find that man-bear who sails the high seas, a pirate.