Who are you?

Everyone struggles with identity at one point or another. In New York and U.S as a whole we tend to be divided by hyphens. There are even commercials that celebrate these hyphens. The truth is we all focus on different elements of our identity: culture, religion, ancestry.

Who am I? I am an Afro-Carribean-Male-Lesbian-Liberal-Progressive-American. Without knowing me a weird image may pop into a person's head. First of all I do not have an Afro, although, I am currently working on one. I was certainly born on the ilse of st lucia, which counts a long way to being Carribean; I do not believe I have Carib ancestry so go figure. Male is fairly easy and obvious and I do love women so lesbian is fitting. Liberal means I probably look like Mao and progressive means I have a Karl Marx "Stache." I am naturalized in the good o' US of A.

On site I would likely just be labeled an Afro-American. X would be Indian-American, LBO would be American and, Koolredd would smack you and let you know he is African. (Insert Dead Prez Lyrics here) This topic always reminds me of an episode of SeaLab 2020 where there are two character with the same name. For clarification purposes one is deemed "Black-Debbie" in order to tell them apart. (Sealab 2021) This is of course meant to highlight the double standard.

There is another tv bit that is fairly funny but still rubs me the wrong way. Its a skittles commercial with a Korean man dressed in traditional scottish attire. He then exclaims to his son that they are a combination of opposites like skittles. While I understand the intended humor there is still an under-current of something being wrong with an ancestral Korean being born in Scotland.

The burning question is a matter of recognizing and celebrating the unique backgrounds we all have. We all have a tapestry; Nobody is all this or all that. We shoul celebrate Claw's Italian roots, Keysie's Czechoslovakian/Irishroots and so forth. In the end we are all Americans, we carry that with us wherever we go. Unless you stitch a Canadian flag to your backpack for safety.

The Turtle and the Rabbit

(From 2/13/2010)

I have a long-standing belief that 99% of the people in this world are idiots. While that may seem harsh at first blush, consider the sample of people you run into your entire life. I am not talking about people you know personally because they tend to clean up their act for you. You are likely the one person they are not an asshole to.

I developed and tested out this theory with several detailed case studies throughout my life. I started testing in high school, further advanced this in college and have applied the theory in my work life. The real mystery is why people are this way.

People are self-centered, selfish is probably more apt. We don't often take time to consider what the other person wants, especially if they are unfamiliar. I was reminded of this recently on my way home. I was in the cross-walk on my way to the bus stop when a bus rounds the corner out of nowhere, honks, and almost clips me.

The next bus was just about two minutes behind; as I approached to pay my fare the bus driver stopped me to ask what happened with the previous bus. I told him what happened and then we started exchanging stories. When it came to my stop we remarked that the same bus which grazed me was now at the same stop. His chest puffed and his smile wide, my bus driver was proud that his pace and careful driving paid off "This reminds me of the story about the turtle and the rabbit."

I walked out the bus and was annoyed to see the light wasn't in my favor. I could see that a bus was only a block away. I rushed across the street cutting in front of the first bus. I dashed to the bus stop with time to spare. I relaxed into my seat; I was elated because if I hadn't made this bus I'd be out in the cold for who knows how long. As I looked out the window at the cars passing by another bus overtook us.

The thing about my theory is that sometimes you're that asshole.

New Day

An actual sunrise is upon us today

our yesterdays were grey

now a new light shines.

I can still see the rain clouds

Just past the horizon

I know there are more grey days ahead

2 Souls

I have been trying to describe a feeling,no, a state of mind. It is the reason that two people with distinct backgrounds and complete opposite personalities can be the best of friends. It is the reason X and I connected from jumpstreet and have been inseparable ever since. I can't describe in perfect words why we are good friends any more than I could explain why clowns give me the chills. You either get it or you don't.

I don't mean to denigrate other relationships. As a matter of fact it took a while LBO and I to become friends. We balled quite a bit but we weren't pinkie swearing from day one. Now we are as thick as thieves, nothing comes between us except: women, poor passing choices in 2K10 and various stupid decisions he makes like chewing with his mouth open.

These examples bring us to the crux of the argument. I have never experienced the former in the context of a romantic relationship. I've either been attracted to a person or thought they had an interesting personality. Love grew from there. I have never felt an instant connection till now.

"Amor en primera vista"

I still refuse to call it that. Its like trying to define a black hole or the square of -1. How does one define the undefinable? How does one hold the wind? Yet here I am thinking and feeling for a person I barely know for all intents and purposes. This is impossible.

This is rare.

To a Person

*

"Of Mice and Men" was one of the assigned readings I put off multiple times in high school. I only retain a single quote from that assignment: "the best laid plans of mice and men off go awry." Unfortunately for me I was born a planner. I've had a long-term plan for my life since I was 9. I loved to watch sci-fi with my pops; I knew I wanted to be a scientist.

By the time I was 20 I formulated plans to start a program to expose youth to computers and engineering. At 21 I made plans for retirement, once I got tired of the engineering thing: open my own restaurant and be the architect of a school for technology.

I am not a scientist, I am an engineer. Frankly I don't think my 9 year old brain knew the difference. Geordi and Scotty were alright but they were nothing compared to mad scientist building robots. I took a long winding route to become an engineer. I made several long stays in the Halls of IT before being freed to higher level problem-solving.

One thing I have never considered planning is my relationships. I tend to ride whatever the current wave is and have violent swings between wanting to date to being just sick of the entire game. Despite the vivid imagery of my dreams for the future I have never imagined "my better half, and the role she would play.

I have run head-on into this several times in past relationships; that was usually the doomsday device. Is this what a fear of commitment manifests itself as? If I am being completely honest I have been truly in love 2 times in my life. I was also in these relationships more than long enough to consider marriage. At least one didn't happen due to complications to the overall plan.

My entire world view was thrown into question recently: Is it worth sabotaging my entire plan to take a chance on love? The thing about not knowing is, well, you don't know. If I don't invest the time to discover all facets of this relationship I could be missing on a person I should spend my life with. It is the ultimate question: what will you sacrifice for love?

I guess its time to rethink the plan.

*The original content of this blog was incorrect the actual quote is from "To A Mouse"; Steinbeck's novel was inspired by this poem though. Check it out: http://www.essentiallifeskills.net/toamouse.html